the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
