if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
