a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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