if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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