Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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