If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
