my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
