I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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