R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
