im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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