Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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