She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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