on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
