just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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