My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
