I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
