"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
