Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
