today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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