It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
