Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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