where does the pee come out of this thing
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
