Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
