My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
