I have demons in me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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