They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
