new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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