Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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