Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
