I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
