so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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