Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
