Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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