The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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