Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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