I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
