dude i'm inner monologue high
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
