Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
