I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Someone shit on the floor
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
