I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
