Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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