I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
