my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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