**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
