I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
