i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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