Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
