Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
