Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
