I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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