His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Vodka?
Forever.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
