We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am available for nakedness
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
